i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
