I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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