you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
