You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My breasts were aching with rage.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
