my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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