She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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