he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
