She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
