farters have to be the big spoon...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
