GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
