I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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