just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
