I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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