I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
