There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
