3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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