Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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