in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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