Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
