ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
