Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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