moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
