I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
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i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.