WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.