i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life