waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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