Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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