Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
