where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
