Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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