I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
