so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
