Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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