I just threw up on my dentist
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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