I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize