Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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