Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
