can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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