I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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