You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
