He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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