Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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