I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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