My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
