I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
