Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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