He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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