I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
