woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You can't just leave with hair like that
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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