I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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