porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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