Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
