My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We need a shit load of segways right now
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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