I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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