Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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