i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
