I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Sober January is a disaster.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
