Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
