Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
