he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
